


This Isn't Who I Am

by Fandoms_R_Fun



Series: Life is Trans [3]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Daily Struggles, Happy Ending, LGBT characters, Trans Characters, Trans Victoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:00:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27091672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_R_Fun/pseuds/Fandoms_R_Fun
Summary: Victoria has some alone time, but not the good kind.
Series: Life is Trans [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969432
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	This Isn't Who I Am

I look at the wall, seeing the light shining on the posters above me. It's white and plain, empty of substance.

I feel my heart slowly pushing blood through my veins, my mind not ready to really push through the day's work. I sigh and place my head in my hands, cringing as I feel the abrasive hair on my face, reminding me. I clench my eyes shut, running my finger along the hair and feel the stinging of a tear wanting to form in my eye. A sharp, faint pain pricks at my heart, making me wish the world would just go away.

_This isn't who I am..._

I turn up the music and I can feel the headset shake on my ears with each thump of bass. I try to make my thoughts go away, to let things fade from my knowledge, but I can't. It feels as though every hair on my face is pricking me and my stomach begins to swirl.

I look up at the screen. As the song ends, that part of the screen turns black and I can see a face. It looks at me at first with apathy, but then it changes to bitterness and disgust. I can see the hair running along the faces cheeks and chin, I can see the eyes starting at me, tears forming in them. My vision blurs and I just let it, not moving to blink the tear away. As it finally falls, I can see the face again, a tear slowly dripping down it's cheek.

_This isn't who I am._

The next video finally loads and I can hear the music coming through. I reach over and turn off the light, letting the screen consume my vision, the light burning a little. It is a welcome burn. I open up a new tab and check on my package, sighing as I review the contents: A dress, a skirt, and a rainbow makeup bag.

_Why did I even bother buying these... they're not going to make this better..._

I feel... nothing. Beyond the faint beating of my heart, me chest is... empty. I change the tab and return to my writing.

_I've done this so many times, what else should I expect to feel?_

I just sit there, looking down at my hands. I can see them move over the keyboard, typing something meant for others to read, but I don't really know what to expect.

_Will they like it? Will they think it's dumb? Is it valid to feel this way? Am I just... pathetic?_

I look over at the wall, devoid of pictures and think of the one that I tried to hang there, that I put away long ago.

_I have support. People care about me! I'm loved... so why do I feel so alone..._

I sniffle, not really needing to but feeling like it anyways. More words come to me and pour out onto the page through my finger tips.

_Why do I pour myself into this, knowing that no one who will see this even knows me. And why do I care what happens to these words. Why do they feel like a part of me? Am I exposing who I am? Exposing myself to a bunch of strangers because it feels good?_

I chuckle to myself, shaking my head.

_Who am I kidding, no one really cares about what I say. I could say anything I wanted and never hear a peep out of anyone who knows me. Even those who see what I'm writing won't even think about it. They'll read it, either roll their eyes in disgust or enjoy it while it's there, and then they'll move on with their lives._

My hands shake a little, not wanting to stop trying, but knowing that I can't go on forever. I stop, looking over the words and thinking of their meaning in my head.

_**The deeper meaning behind this phenomenon, the increase in reported instances of...** _

I stop, listening for what is off. I hear silence and sigh, turning back to find more music.

\----------------------------------

I stare at the wall in my bed, light trying to pour into my room but being stopped by the dark, wide curtains. I faintly feel sore from laying like I am for so long, but I ignore it, not wanting to move.

_why do I have to get up? Why should I? Who would even miss me if I didn't..._

I roll my eyes, knowing the answer to that question and hearing names going through my head already.

_I know, I know... I know..._

I groan, pushing myself up and feeling my muscles ache in protest, punishing my for not moving sooner. I look over and see my dress hanging from the bar that I hang my clothes from. It makes me smile and almost giggle.

I stare at the dress, imagine feeling the fabric of it against me skin.

_But the stubble on your legs is so thick I can't really feel it as much as I used to._

I close my eyes and hug myself, imagining spinning in a circle and the bottom of it flying up as I go.

_...but your body isn't meant for a dress. Your arms and back are too hairy. I'd just look dumb..._

I close my eyes tighter, trying to think of putting on lipstick and the dress and one day being able to walk out in public and be seen as a woman.

_You know that's not going to happen. Not everyone transitions well and why should you be anything special?_

I feel my spirit finally drop, letting my arms drop to my side and accepting defeat.

_But this isn't who I am..._

_that doesn't make a difference now, does it?_

I look over at the clock. "great, I'm gonna be late..." I pick up my phone and start to send a text to my manager.

\-----------------------

I plop down in my chair, looking at my computer. The video that I was watching earlier is paused, the tutorial for my game frozen in place. I minimize the tab and return to my game, looking at the character I chose. She looks dead ahead, her face confident and her figure realistic yet pleasing. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

_I'm going to be that one day. No matter what I have to go through, I'll get there one day. I'll be Victoria._

I find myself grinning like and idiot, thinking of how down I was only yesterday.

_I'm very lucky... I have people who love and accept me, I have something to look forward to in life. No matter how down I get, I have to remember that._

_I have to remember that I am Victoria. That, is who I am. And I got this._

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say that, you're all valid. There is someone that cares about you, and if you're having some hard times, you can get through them. You got this.


End file.
